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Feb 05, 2019 23:54:56

Don't... be yourself

by @abrahamKim PATRON | 313 words | 1๐Ÿ”ฅ | 428๐Ÿ’Œ


Current day streak: 1๐Ÿ”ฅ
Total posts: 428๐Ÿ’Œ
Total words: 159618 (638 pages ๐Ÿ“„)

The old me is dead. It was awhile back when that I decided to kill him, but it took a long time to pull the trigger. A person fears death and will try anything to fight it. I remember the last thing he asked me, who I would be if I were to actually kill myself?

This wasnโ€™t the first time heโ€™d asked me this rhetorical question. Itโ€™d actually been his ace argument, the one he reached for when I looked like I would finally do it. And each occasion itโ€™d caused me to fold like a cheap suit, my palms wet with sweat and the revolver becoming a source of anxiety rather than power. Every time  I had failed to pull the trigger because of the answers I came up with to this question. Who would I beโ€ฆ if not me? 

I was like a dung beetle, hopelessly clinging onto my ball of rolling feces. I had nothing going for me, but I still couldnโ€™t help but feel pride in myself, even though all I had was a giant ball of shit. Plus, my life had a theme, a message, a constant reminder: be yourself. The axiom became so ingrained into my psyche that I never questioned it, no more than I would question the morality of cold-murder. It simply became a moral to live by. Be yourself. Everyone else was doing it as well, or was trying to.

I remember a couple of my friends who became atheist in high school. Now at the age of 27, I guess I had grown tired of being myself. I loved myself too much to continue being the useless waste of potential I had been. I loved me so much that I killed him. 

So now who am I? All I can say is: go ahead and kill yourself, and you'll see.

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