Sometimes I wonder if I‘m depressed. I wonder about the fog that often envelopes me and distances me from my surroundings. I’m still here but I feel like my fully extended fingers are inches from anything concrete, anything solid.
I feel this most acutely in the early hours of the day, as I will myself out of bed in a desperate scramble to gather my things for work, sans breakfast and sans shower. The cloud of numbness and lethargy often remains throughout the morning and into the afternoon. I feel shattered after work and often succumb to a nap: 30 minutes, no more nor less. I’ve done my research and this is the optimal nap length dammit. No one’s gonna tell me otherwise. But why do I feel so tired and disconnected until the evening hours? Often they bring with them a second wind - a glorious surge of relaxed energy where I can happily claim my time as my own: no obligations, nowhere to be. Just me and whatever the hell I feel like doing. Like revisiting Tarantino films to prepare for his new one and build up the hype and anticipation. I love that. I live for that stuff. Love making the most of the ceremony and looking forward to things. That’s what excites me about looking forward to the approaching months.
And now I strangely feel more energy right now, upon thinking of things that bring me joy and life. Maybe I need to think of them more often and in the mornings. Maybe i need to practice gratitude. I mean, I think I am a positive person but sometimes I feel like that gets lost in the fog and my spirit and joy gets dulled round the edges and I have to squint and will my body into movement.