I was feeling emotion deeply. I normally don't. Not like this. Not as a bodily sensation. I was dreaming about my life more than twenty years ago. It lasted less than twenty minutes - in earthquake terms, that's forever. In emotional terms, I imagine it's on the short end of the spectrum.
Personality tests determine that there are thinkers and feelers. I score high as a thinker. In my experience, that means there's a disconnect between my head and my heart. I can think painful thoughts, but they never cause me to feel deeply. I must have trained myself to joke and use sarcasm to distract myself from the scary, unwanted, out-of-control bodily sensations. As an adult, I am curious about this full-body experience. As a child, I felt afraid.
When I was 8, I got some fish. Something I could spend time with; I could care for; I could connect with. I don't remember the details or whose idea it was. I just remember lying on the bed watching the fish with my dad. I remember him trying to explain why he wasn't going to be around any more. I don't remember if the D-word was ever actually used. If it was, I didn't know what it meant. I just remember crying — I didn't understand it and words weren't helping. My dad's words didn't help and nobody else offered any.
This morning, I wanted to cry. I wanted to completely feel something and yet the faucet was dry. The emotion was present and full-body, but not painful per se. I wonder what caused it. A dream perhaps?
Today is my grandfather's birthday. I was thinking about how his dad wasn't around when he was young. Or worse, his dad was around, but busy getting his own needs met rather than being available for his children. He was born in 1928. He passed away a couple of years back. I never saw him cry. Happy Birthday Papa.