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Jan 20, 2019 10:20:25

Insecure Writer Writes Insecurely about Insecurity

by @esjael | 291 words | 🐣 | 29💌


Current day streak: 0🐣
Total posts: 29💌
Total words: 10949 (43 pages 📄)

Today is another day of anxious writing. So far, I've had quite a few days where I logged on with excitement, and finished a post with great satisfaction. But, on days like today, my insecurities get in the way.

I've already written about my fears related to composing a work of fiction. Somehow, I've found that speaking to my own personal struggles more directly is less difficult. Unless, of course, I just let it all out in a stream of consciousness and hit publish without a second thought. Those second thoughts find their way in eventually.

I've read a lot of different pieces on this site, and the talent in the community is staggering. It's humbling, and it provides an excellent opportunity for valuable feedback (which I'm eventually hoping to go looking for). It makes me worry about the days where I phone it in, or the days where my depression is particularly strong and I can't conjure up any thoughts that don't sound like they were written by an early aughts emo band.

The cycle of anxious thoughts is so dependable I honestly have to laugh. Was I just too honest? Too whiny? Did I express an opinion without adequately digging through facts to back it up? What will someone reading this take away about my shortcomings? The insecurities abound. But, whether they have merit or not, I'm still here. I'll keep telling myself that the only way to use this site improperly is to not write at all. I'll remind myself that constructive criticism is valuable, and any other kind of criticism isn't my baggage to bear.

That said, I really hope the habit I'm building here is more valuable than the embarrassment I'm certain to inflict upon myself.

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    @esjael "I'll keep telling myself that the only way to use this site improperly is to not write at all."
    I love this line. And I feel exactly the same most days so you're not alone.

    Keenen Charles avatar Keenen Charles | Jan 20, 2019 22:32:02
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    @esjael Well, Im your fan and up till now haven't been disappointed!
    What you write almost always resonates in me.
    That's true that so many people here write so well, that it might be intimidating, and yet, I KNOW that the only thing important here is just to write
    Anxieties and insecurities are my everyday friends as well
    Actually TODAY I wrote to philh, that he doesn't appreciate my writing here enough and that i think he must not like it... and i demanded more appreciation! LOL, at least I can do that :-)))
    And id like to read smt of the sphere of early aughts emo band!

    Lucjah avatar Lucjah | Jan 21, 2019 00:39:56
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      @lucjah You are definitely one of the writers here with intimidating levels of talent! Your comments and encouragement are very much appreciated.

      esjael avatar esjael | Jan 20, 2019 17:16:08
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      @esjael o wooow... Thank you :-)
      and how about"smt of the sphere of early aughts emo band!"?

      Lucjah avatar Lucjah | Jan 22, 2019 01:24:24
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      @lucjah I can feel that emo band vibe fast approaching for an upcoming post. ;-)

      esjael avatar esjael | Jan 21, 2019 18:44:54
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      @esjael I will pick up my ears (a new funny phrase i just discovered :-)

      Lucjah avatar Lucjah | Jan 22, 2019 23:10:41
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    Actually this might be a key for you to help you write fiction.

    You have these insecurities and selfconsciousnesses… and you can't smoothly express them from your point of view. So you can create universes and characters where they express it for you. It's like you insulate your personal identity from your deepest truths by displacing it onto a separate entity -- fiction.

    Have you heard of the innovator's dilemma?

    Abe avatar Abe | Jan 20, 2019 18:48:33
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      @abrahamKim I really like that perspective, and it may actually go a long way to getting started on a couple pieces I've been mulling over for a while now.

      I hadn't heard of that book, but it sounds incredible! I'm adding it to my pull list.

      esjael avatar esjael | Jan 20, 2019 17:17:45
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      @esjael @abrahamKim "create universes and characters"
      This is a great idea. It doesn't even have to be complicated. Make insecurity a character.

      Abhinaya Konduru avatar Abhinaya Konduru | Jan 21, 2019 01:43:25
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      I didn't mean that as a book recommendation haha. although I do recommend it if you are interested in business. I was just asking because I wanted to make an analogy.

      The innovator's dilemma studies why large incumbent companies who have a large footing in a given industry or market niche fail to smaller, less-resourced upstarts.

      And what Christensen argues is that its because incumbent companies put into place 'good' managers who care about KPIs such as profitability and what not and thus in the long run don't invest into research and development, which leads to them losing their dominance over time.

      This is a crude summary. But crude is that's needed for this analogy.

      One way newer incumbent companies are combating the innovator's dilemma is actually happening in Amazon. What Amazon does for example is they spin off smaller versions of companies that are still under Amazon but have autonomy and their own resource allocation. Thus they are not under incumbent management.

      This has allowed huge successes such as AWS and the kindle.

      Reason I bring this up with fiction is..

      you Esjael the person has their own insecurities and self consciousness and egos.

      Think of those as profitability and stock prices but instead of a company for a human being.

      You Esjael the person will try their best to manage such values in the short term. That's like kind of the human fallacy.

      But what fiction can allow you to do is create a spinoff of yourself and your values and your world, where you're main 'management' can't hinder expression and thought exploration. So Esjael at large can't say things like 'no that's a stupid idea or why would you think that'. The fiction you create will be isolated from the normal world of judgement you would employ during the rest of your everyday life.

      Of course this isn't always possible for everyone. Some people are so self conscious that even in the fictional spinoffs their management comes intruding to clean up the fictional world and renders it useless. But in fiction everyone should aim to try to have this 'spin off' of themselves.

      Let me know if anything is unclear.

      Abe avatar Abe | Jan 21, 2019 21:01:59
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      @esjael @itsabhinaya

      Insecurity I think is the ultimate character when it comes to storytelling. I don't think I've ever read something that I enjoyed that didn't have insecurity within.

      Stories -- even non fiction ones -- allow the deepest most secrets be whispered which could never be uttered sanely over a coffee table in real life.

      Abe avatar Abe | Jan 21, 2019 21:02:57
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      @abrahamKim ?? you should turn this comment into a post!

      Abhinaya Konduru avatar Abhinaya Konduru | Jan 22, 2019 01:50:23
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      @abrahamKim That's a fascinating analogy! I'm actually pinning this one to my desktop to read before I start my next project!

      esjael avatar esjael | Jan 21, 2019 18:47:01
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      @abrahamKim @itsabhinaya Yes, you absolutely should!

      esjael avatar esjael | Jan 21, 2019 18:47:21
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      @esjael @itsabhinaya


      I shall never recycle my comments.

      Jk. I won't recycle this one now. But I shall definitely recycle comments to posts one day. Haha I just don't want to get caught recycling and have someone point to this saying 'hey you said you would NEVER do it!' Well I leave room to change my mind!

      Abe avatar Abe | Jan 22, 2019 20:45:14
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      Haha wow so glad that a comment got a pin! The posts would be so jealous haha.

      Abe avatar Abe | Jan 22, 2019 20:45:40
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      @abrahamKim Just mention the post started out as a comment and expand on it :D

      Abhinaya Konduru avatar Abhinaya Konduru | Jan 23, 2019 00:38:48
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    @esjael We tend to be our own worst critics. I see it as both a good thing and a bad thing. It’s bad for obvious reasons - the depression and anxiety that come with it can be crippling sometimes.
    But it’s good ‘cause we’re never content/comfortable and always look to be better. We always want to keep improving.

    Btw, I’ve read some of your other entries and you have nothing to be insecure about :-)

    Ramsha avatar Ramsha | Jan 20, 2019 18:38:49
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      @ramshawithapen Thank you for the encouragement! :) While my inner critic drives me to constantly improve, it's nice to have objective outsiders providing a counter. It helps to enjoy the journey more.

      esjael avatar esjael | Jan 20, 2019 17:18:56
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    @esjael Just keep going. Think of writing here like going to the gym. You are training yourself to get into the habit of writing by everyday.

    Abhinaya Konduru avatar Abhinaya Konduru | Jan 20, 2019 18:31:26
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      @itsabhinaya Fortunately, it's a lot easier for me to sit down at my desk than it is to drag myself to the gym! Maybe the discipline I'm developing here will help me on that front as well...

      esjael avatar esjael | Jan 20, 2019 17:19:59
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      @itsabhinaya Fortunately, it's a lot easier for me to sit down at my desk than it is to drag myself to the gym! Maybe the discipline I'm developing here will help me on that front as well...

      esjael avatar esjael | Jan 20, 2019 17:19:59
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