In 2019, this year, I felt for the first time the desire to be me and nobody else.
Life had -- and still does have -- ups and downs, but even during the most hyped of ups I would still imagine myself as somebody else, though I wasn't conscience of it at the time. Back then I didn't know that this was what I was doing. I thought it was normal... it felt normal: just a lot of thoughts spent imagining me as someone else. Me but with other features. Me, but with other roles/titles. Me but ... but.... but...
For the first time in 2019 it's as though I'm finally able to, or more accurately that I lack the ability to, stay transfixed to cling onto my goods while wish my bads away. There no longer exists good and bad delineated from each other. Now there just rather is. And what is is all that I desire.
This doesn't mean that everything in life is perfect or that I don't want to progress. It's that I'm on mile X of this infinite run, and I no longer am spending mile X wishing I was on mile X+1 or X+n.
In college when a virgin tripper would ask how they'd know if the dose was working, my favorite reply had been that one wouldn't need to wonder.
The good states of life -- living warm blooded, being the ultimate judge in how one feels rather than deferring to the outside -- just keeps coming and coming. And it's as though I'm never prepared for the next state. Because when I don't know, then I don't know what I don't know. But once I know.... I just know.
I hope you know.