I feel tired.
Even with 8 hours of sleep under my belt and barely any work done today, I'm somehow exhausted. My mind feels like sludge and I tell myself I "can't" do anymore work. Maybe that's true, but I wonder what if I'm just lazy? Or maybe I'm taking on too much.
I go through stretches in my life where I try to gather the whole world in my arms and end up dropping it all instead. I seem to think I can juggle a million balls at once. It's like I have some superhero complex.
The scary thing is, at times it seems like I can handle it all. I scurry from meeting to meeting, pump out homework, pound out writing, and frantically bounce from friend to friend. On one hand it feels unhealthy and sad, but there's definitely a part of me that feels like a boss, chunking through email while walking to a dope meeting I set up.
At the end of a "carry the world" session though, I just feel bone tired. I don't want to see anyone, or do anything. That's the scariest part for me. It's not the "I want to watch Netflix" type of tired. It's the "What am I here for again type of tired?"
Perhaps even scarier is that the more often I feel this way, the less often I think about what I am here for. I've got a list of goals and people (admittedly, too long of a list) I care about, a whole horde of causes that keep me here, present. So it's scary that when I become divided, when I take on too much, it becomes increasingly hard to come back to the basics.
But back to my post on reading, I have to learn to focus not on what feels good (being a "superhero"), but on what is good: engaging wholly with life in a loving way.